I decide to write this, because I know that there are a lot of other women, & men, out there that have had a miscarriage in their family, but no one ever talks about it. That leaves the woman feeling inadequate, alone, sad & scared. I wanted to shed some light on my personal experience so that maybe someone out there can have hope, love & forgiveness within themselves. This is my story:
I told my husband, Shay, that if we weren't pregnant by the end of August, then we'd wait until the following year to try again. I did not want another newborn baby during the winter. I already had 2 babies that had RSV (a really bad cold that affects babies & 1 of mine was hospitalized for it) & that was enough. Within 2 weeks we were pregnant! That was not normal for me. I'm not a very fertile Myrtle. We both were so excited! This would be our 3rd child & the due date was May 28th, three days after my birthday. PERFECT!! It was all planned out. We told everyone right before we left for the Elk hunt, which is the first part of October. Everyone was so happy & excited for us.
Out of the city & headed to the mountains we went. With the trailer in tow, two smiling kids & one VERY happy & excited husband. We set up camp, mingled with our other camper/hunting friends & was enjoying the beauty of the great outdoors & the clean crisp air. We had been there a few days now & having so much fun. Me sipping on my green tea's & enjoying the peacefulness of it all. Shay decided to take a ride up the road to see if he could see any Elk. After he had been gone for awhile I decided to take my little Abigail for a short 4-wheeler ride. We weren't that far from camp & I wasn't going that fast, when I started to feel some cramping in my lower abdomen. I turned around & headed back to camp. I went into the bathroom & there was blood.
Here I am, at Elk camp, with a bunch of manly men in camo & beards, my husband was gone, & I had Abigail with me. Thank God there was another female friend, Carlene, there with her family. I put Abby in the truck, walked over to Carlene, with tears in my eyes, & asked her to tell Shay I had to run down to the ER because I was bleeding. With fear in her eyes & quickness in her tone, she told me to go lay down in the camp trailer while she went up the road to find Shay. I heard her telling one of the other men to get Abby out of the truck & heard her take off on the 4-wheeler up the road. Within minutes they were back. I was laying on the bed, tears rolling down my face, when Shay came in & asked if I was ok. I simply said, "I need to go to the ER. I think I'm having a miscarriage." He hugged me & told me everything was going to be ok, then put Abby in the truck, while I climbed in myself. Our kind hunting buddies said they would watch our son, Callen, while we were gone.
We arrived at the hospital, settled into a room, then I was wheeled down to have an ultrasound done. The ultrasound technician was very sweet as I lay there on the table, with tears still coming down my face. I could see it in her eyes that she was desperately trying to find a heart beat. She then typed in “NFHB”. It didn’t take me long to figure out that meant “No Fetal Heartbeat”. Now the tears were really flowing. I got back to the room & Shay could see the news in my eyes. The doctor & nurse came in & confirmed the bad news.
Maybe I shouldn’t have drank those green tea’s or had coffee. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken Abby on that short 4-wheeler ride. Maybe I should have lost some weight before I got pregnant. Maybe. . .we’re not suppose to have any more kids. All these things were going through my mind & I know that that doctor & nurse were suppose to be there for me. As I asked why this had happened to me & what could I have done to prevent this, the doctor reassures me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. He continued to tell me that God made our bodies perfectly & that my body knew that this baby wasn’t growing correctly, so it got rid of it on it’s own. He then told me a personal story about his wife had 2 miscarriages & they have 3 children. The nurse then continued to tell me that she had one after her second child & that it happens a lot more than people think. People just don’t discuss it. We gathered up our belongings & headed back up the canyon to camp. It was a very long & quiet ride. Me sobing quietly & Shay holding my hand.
The next day was Abby’s 1st birthday. We put on our happy faces, cute birthday hats, & opened some presents. We celebrated the birth of our first baby girl. Later on, I drove up the canyon, to where I got cell phone service & made a few calls to break the bad news to my mom & a few close friends. I asked them to spread the word, because I didn’t want to be asked how I was feeling or even talk about any of it. This was 2 years ago next week. I have talked about it a little with some of my closest friends & family, but this is the first I have truly spoken about it.
After I had my miscarriage I was so hurt & upset for quite a long time. I thought I never wanted to get pregnant again because I didn’t know if I could ever go through this kind of pain again. I felt like my husband blamed me & that I lost one of his children. Which was totally wrong! He never blamed me. . . .I blamed me! I was always wondering what I could have done to prevent it, or what I did to cause it. I knew in theory that it wasn’t my fault, but it didn’t help the pain. After time & a lot of prayer, I started feeling better about things. That's when I came to the conclusion that it's not our plan. . .it's God's plan!
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