The 5 Love Languages

    After having my first child, almost 7 years ago, I remember there was a time when it felt like my husband & I weren’t close & communicating very well anymore.  Things had changed.  I was busy taking care of our new addition to the family, trying to recover from a c-section, & was very sleep deprived . . . like all new parents are, & he was trying to get used to it all & the fact that I wasn’t available all the time like I was before.  I knew I had to do something to get us back on track.  When our son was about 6-9 months old, I confided in a friend & she told me about a book by Dr. Chapman “The 5 Love Languages”.  It is an AMAZING book!  It has REALLY opened my husband & my eyes.  We both now know & understand how the other person feels loved. 

  Many people feel loved in different ways.  Dr. Chapman says everyone has a primary love language.  He identifies the 5 love languages as (1) words of affirmation, (2) quality time, (3) receiving gifts, (4) acts of service, & (5) physical touch.  Here is a brief summary to describe each language:

Words of Affirmation – If this is your love language, then compliments & words of positive affirmations mean the world to you.  May include receiving notes, cards, or phone calls where expressions of love, appreciation & encouragement are given. 

Quality Time – This person likes spending full undivided time together.  Nothing says “I love you” like really being there, with the TV off, fork & knife down, chores & other distraction put on hold.  This makes them feel special & loved.

Receiving Gifts – This is not to be confused as being “materialistic”.  The person with this love language, the receiver of the gift, feels the most loved from the thoughtfulness & effort behind the gift.  The gift or gesture shows that they were thought of & cared for.  These tangible gifts may be a flower, a note, a candy bar, a favorite soda pop drink or money to spend on whatever they want.

Acts of Service - If this is your love language then anything that eases the burden & responsibility from you is an act of service.  Such things as doing the dishes, vacuuming, making dinner, doing laundry, or other duties can all be expressions of love  The words this person likes to hear the most are, “Let me do that for you.”

Physical Touch – This language isn’t all about the bedroom.  A person with this love language is, not surprisingly, very touchy.  They like hugs, snuggling on the couch, a pat on the back, holding hands, a kiss, thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder or face are all ways to show love.

  What is your love language?  You can feel loved by more than just one way, so you may have a primary & secondary love language.  One way to determine your love language is by looking at what YOU do, the most, for the OTHER person.  Chances are that you’re doing what you would like the other to do for you.  Once your spouse & you know what each other’s love languages are, then it will be easier to communicate & show love to each other.  It may be hard to do some of these things, but that’s what marriage & relationships are all about.  Trying to make each other feel loved, needed, & wanted.  I’ve used this quote before, but I think it explains love perfectly:

“Love is not just a feeling.  Love is an action.  Love is a choice.  When an action doesn’t come naturally it is an even greater gift of love.” By Laura M. Brotherson

  I know that my relationship got a lot better when we started thinking about each others love languages & then actually doing more of the actions that the other person wanted & needed.  I hope this can help someone out there, because I know it helped me!

Let's Get the Love Back

 

  Remember when you first met your husband, wife or partner, & that feeling you felt deep inside you?  The butterflies in your stomach, your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest & you felt like nothing else in the world mattered but you two.  Then REAL life happens . . . work, bills, kids, keeping up on the house & so on.  Well that fire that you felt inside at one point in your lives, can start to burn out after awhile & that's ok!  It’s normal!  A relationship takes commitment & some work, but you can make it fun work!  I have been there!  Where it seems like you will never feel those feelings again like you did before.  I thought to myself, “I have another 60 plus years with this man, so I better get to figuring this thing out!”  That’s when I decided to do some research & get ideas on how to keep my love alive & get that fire started back up again. 

  There are many things you can do to get back, & keep, that spark in your relationship, (which I will be adding different ideas in other posts), but this is one idea I came across that will bring you & your partner closer.  Both people in the relationship, make a list of 10 things that most make you feel loved & cared about.  Be specific, positive & descriptive.  Write what you want, instead of what you don’t want, & how much of what you want & when you want it.  Be as specific as possible, so that your partner can be successful at loving you.  Think of things that make you feel truly loved & cared for.  Start each sentence like this, "I feel loved when . . .”  Some examples might be “I feel loved when . . . you kiss me & tell me you love me each time you leave the house” or . . . “the house & kids are clean when I get home from work”

  Many people may find that what their partner needs & wants the most, may seem difficult for them to do.  Love is not always easy.  Sometimes love requires doing things you don’t want to do or don’t like to do, but knowing that there is a reason behind it.  I love these words; “Love is not just a feeling.  Love is an action.  Love is a choice.  When an action doesn’t come naturally it is an even greater gift of love.” By Laura M. Brotherson

  When you're both finished, share with each other what you both wrote.  BOTH of you commit to do at least one thing every day that makes your partner feel loved.  Try it for awhile, then get back together & talk about how things went & maybe change your lists up a bit. I got this idea from the book, “And They Were Not Ashamed” by Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE.  This book also has many other ideas to strengthen your marriage.  It was turned out really well when my husband & I did this activity.  It really gets you thinking about the other person, instead of yourself. 

  Let me know how this turns out for you & your relationship!  Can't wait to hear from you all!! 

(A More Real) Love Story

I had to share this with you all! This is GREAT!! It really makes you think about what is most important in your life. I think it's my relationship with my hubby! If we are happy then it makes a happier home life for the rest of the family. Hope you enjoy the video!

Things to Discuss Before Marriage

   

  Sometimes I think people jump into marriage thinking it's going to be easy & fun.  I mean how could it not be fun & easy, if you LOVE this person with ALL your heart & soul?  Well folks, I am here to tell ya' that marriage is a little work, just like any relationship.  There are good times & bad times; exciting times & boring times.  You just need to work through them. 
  Before I got married, I asked my Grandma, who had been married to the same man her whole life, what advice she could give me on how to have a happy marriage.  She simply said these things. . .

"Always have a sense of humor & laugh often. Be able to laugh together & at yourself.  Don't take everything so seriously.  Pick & choose your arguements, don't sweat the small stuff, & never give up." 

  She then  continued to tell me how she remembered when she was so mad at Grandpa one time, that while he was out working on the farm, she packed up the kids & some clothes, loaded the car, and sat there....she thought to herself, "My gad!  Where am I going to go?  I have wasted a whole afternoon on this.  I better unpack the car & get supper made."  And that was that!  Back then, you couldn't give up so easily.  You made a VOW to spend the rest of your lives together & that's what you were going to do!  For better or for worse!  I do know that times are different, BUT if we took the time to get to know someone before we said "I do", then maybe we would have less divorce in this world. 
  Therefore, I feel that there are some things that a couple should discuss before they commit to spending the rest of their lives together.  If you are already married, & never talked about these things before you got married, then now is a better time than never.  It’s not to0 late.  Talking builds your relationship & makes you closer.  Just remember that you are discussing these things with your BEST friend, so be respectful to their opinions & keep it fun.  Who knows, you might learn something newJ Here are just a few & please feel free to add more if I forgot some.  (These are in no particular order)
 
1)  Finances – Who’s going to run the finances?  What are your financial goals?  What are your plans in buying a home?  What are each of your financial debts?  Are both or one person going to be in charge of paying bills, running the check book, saving & budgeting?  I think, whomever is better at saving & budgeting should be the main person over the finances.  That doesn’t mean that the other one has no part in decision-making or has to ask for money.  That just means that they pay bills, shop & save together.  Whatever works best for you both, but be open to change.

2)  Sexuality -  Can you both talk about sex & feel comfortable?  Are you both comfortable in talking about your likes & dislikes?  Do you respect each other enough to not cross the other person’s  boundaries?  Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?  If one person is feeling frustrated or uncomfortable about something, then you need to discuss the issue sooner than later, without getting angry.  If you wait, then you are building up aggression.  Whether you want to believe it or not, sex is a HUGE part of a marriage.  If you are not intimate & don’t keep the spark there, then you might as well be roommates, & that’s not what you want. . . you want a partnership, a love, a MARRIAGE!!!

3)  Parenting – Do you want children?  If so, how many?  How do you plan on dealing with consequences/disciplining your children?  Do you believe in spankings, time outs only, grounding, or a little of everything?  Look at your partner’s family & see how they discipline their kids.  Ask how your partner was raised & what their childhood was like.  That is probably how they are going to raise their children.  Unless they break the cycle & are determined to make it better. . .not worse;)  If you believe in two totally different techniques, then it’s better to know about it now.  And if you are planning on not having any children, then do something about it.  Snip, snip!  LOL

4)  Spirituality – Does religion play an important part in your life?  Are your faith’s the same?  If not, can you get around it & compromise?  If not, then this will be a BIG issue for both of you.  How do you plan on teaching & practicing religion, when you have children? Are your morals & core values the same?  I feel that everyone should believe in something.  Whether it’s God or a higher being.  I feel it gives people a feeling of hope, love, gratitude, & that they’re not alone during times of need.

5)  Household Duties & Gender Roles – Is everything split 50/50?  Do you work together on everything, inside & outside?  What if one is out of work, does the one staying home pick up the other ones half?  I say, heck yes!!  If one person is not working, then their JOB is to take care of the home!  Cook, clean, laundry, errands, lawn, snow removal, etc.  BUT does that mean the other one can come home & sit around?  No!  Wouldn’t you help your BEST friend out so that you can spend time together?  It’s a partnership!!! 

6)  Goals – What do you, as a couple want out of life?  Where do you see each other in 30-40 years from now?  What are your personal goals & does the other person support them?  Goals can change.  Nothing is in concrete, but if the goals change?  Then both people need to be on board with the change.  Talk about growing together & not leaving the other behind.

 
  When it really comes down to it, the things you need to make sure you talk about, are the things that are the most important to you & your partner.  I'm sure there are more topics you can discuss, but these were just some that I thought were important.  
  My last thoughts are this; I think you should never change who you are, what you believe in, or what you stand for, for anyone!  Also, remember YOU CAN’T change anyone but YOU!!  So don’t try to or think you can later.  Love them for who they are!!